I haven't written in a while. This I know. And really, this post hardly counts but I had to share. This evening I was digging through an old memory box with a bunch of things from my childhood. Laying underneath a 1993 year book from St. Joe, I found this:
In third grade we had what was known as "Author's Tea." Why it was given this name, I do not know. What it was though, was a project for which each of us had to write a 5 page story based on the design of the small book that we were each given at random.
The cover designs ranged from soccer balls to princess' to strawberries and flowers. As you can see, I was given the latter. So naturally I was going to write a story about strawberries that played basketball. . .because I fucking loved basketball. The following is what resulted. I have not edited anything. Enjoy.
Dedicated to my favorite basketball player. DAMON STOUDAMIRE.
One day there was a strawberry basketball game starring the strawberries. It was Toronto Raptors against Utah Jazz. On the Raptors, it was Damon Stoudamire and Marcus Camby. On the Jazz, it was John Stockton and Karl Malone. They didn't like a crowd watching them because they'd get eaten! The score was 51 to 28. The Raptors were winning. It was half time and for drinks they had strawberry punch.
Half time was over and the Jazz caught up with the score. Raptors were losing. The score was 158 to 150. The Toronto crowd was saying "Go Raptors!" The Utah crowd was saying "Go Jazz!" The coach from the Jazz took out John Stockton. The Raptors coach took out Marcus Camby. So it was Damon Stoudamire and Karl Malone. It was a jump ball.
Damon Stoudamire got the ball. He made a slam dunk. The score was 160 to 152. Karl Malone and Damon Stoudamire were about to fall because they have skinny legs. So the coaches put in Marcus Camby and John Stockton. John Stockton wasn't doing good but Marcus Camby was doing good. They were breathing hard. It was 166 to 164. It was the fourth quarter. This time it was two on two. The players were so knocked out they couldn't breathe! Raptors had a plan but first they got new jerseys because the other ones had strawberry stains in them. So did the Jazz. The Raptors idea was they'd keep passing the ball back and forth until the Jazz got tired. Then they'd shoot.
Then they tried it and it worked. The players yelled, "Yes!" The scoreboard had three minutes left. Some people in the crowed yelled, "This game lasts forever!" In strawberry basketball they have six quarters. The Jazz weren't doing good or playing hard. The Raptors were playing good and hard. They weren't tired. They had so much energy that they could run to one side of the court to the other (?) in six seconds! The score was better than any of Larry Birds' games. The score was 499 to 166. The Raptors did a test on Karl Malone. They passed the ball to Karl and it knocked him down.
Page 6: (This is where it gets REALLY good.)
Then suddenly, the ground shook. Some people in the crowd yelled, "Earthquake!" Then it cracked open. When it came out everyone yelled, "It's Michael Jordan!" He said to the Jazz, "Need some help?" The Jazz said yes. Michael Jordan said, "Ok." So he got them in the lead. It was 500 to 400. This time it was the opposite. The Jazz were winning. The clock had 20 seconds left. The only way the Raptors could win is if they scored 100 points in 20 seconds. The Jazz didn't score anymore points but the Raptors scored 102 points in 20 seconds. The game was over. Some people call it a legend. Until they discovered the scoreboard didn't work.
THE FUCKING END